What if I did...

I have a notebook, a journal of sorts, that I offload into when I’ve got issues nattering in my brain that I need to silence.

I usually spew out how I’m feeling in bullet point format. One liners like this. Or sometimes just words expressing how I’m feeling. Grrr. (That was an example). Headache headache headache. (Another example).

When ‘things’ feel like that they may overwhelm me, or if I can adequately voice whatever it is that has my brain so clouded, I find that this system really works. For me. 

The other day I was feeling a little twitchy – you know when you can’t settle into a task, your leg keeps bobbing, you’re up and down out of your seat – so I reached for my book and started the brain vomit. [Nice!]

Things often end up on the page that I wasn’t really expecting…sometimes it’s the subject matter, and sometimes it’s the way I articulate the issue in startling clarity.

“How do I view my success as important?”

This was the last line of Tuesday’s scrawlings, and it hit the nail right royally on the head!

Ditsy Bird Designs – this is the business that I have been dabbling with, without ever getting firmly stuck in to, for years now.

I want to do it

I have the creative skills and ideas to do it

I have spent money on it (materials, courses, tools, hardware, software)

I have spent inordinate amounts of time working on it (designing, honing my skills, trialling, practicing, researching, going on courses [photography, blogging, designing, painting, mixed media, drawing, branding etc], setting up the behind the scenes bit [accounts, supplier info, website, blog etc]

I know I can do it…

…but I never really do.

This is the crux of the matter. I always, ALWAYS, give other things precedence. And by other things, I mean other people…I am so determined to be there for the people who matter the most to me, that I don’t fully commit to DBD, because I know it will take more time, more effort, and – biggest of all – commitment.

I will have to say no to people, to let them down, to put something that is solely for me, before them.

Now before you go thinking I’m one of life’s martyrs, putting everyone’s every need before my own, I’m not. Truly.

This isn’t me being a doormat – I am a people pleaser; I like to help and do things for my loved ones; I get a kick out of it; it makes me feel good; a huge part of me needs to be needed. It is my choice, not the will of others.

And if, for one second, I felt that one of these folk were taking the proverbial, they’d know about it quick sharp! 

I’m nobody’s fool – except, perhaps, my own.

Ahem, and there we have it…I am the ONLY person stopping me from doing this, and achieving my potential.

I have been slogging away at researching branding and logos etc for a while now…I really don’t like my website or my blog, because they simply don’t reflect me or Ditsy, and certainly not my design style. 

How To Style Your Brand by Fiona Humberstone

The only way to rectify this is to work at it, and to dig deep to find what would reflect me and my creative style. I know that if I loved the look of my blog and website, I would be SO much more willing to update them and pop in once in a while. I’d be proud to!

Much in the same way as I’m happy to check in on favourite blogs and Instagram feeds, because even if their current post isn’t relevant to me, their web space and the overall feel of it make me feel…calm / uplifted / invigorated / inspired / motivated / joy. But mostly that I’m in a place of beauty and great design - this REALLY flicks my switch, floats my boat, and totally twirls my skirt. 

It’s all about the visual. Nah…getaway, really?!?! Ha. ‘Course it is! 

Oops, digressed a little there, where were we? Ahh yes…

..So the other day I had a meeting with a lady in the village, about the prep for the village show in September. Our team of 5 (last year) has reduced to just the two of us, so I happily took on the role of sorting the paperwork…leaflets, show booklet, posters, forms, entrant info and so on and so on.

I came home that afternoon, shoved my branding book and notebook to one side, and immediately got stuck into designing this year’s show booklet. For hours. And I mean hours.

Why, oh WHY??? am I so happy and motivated to work on something for someone  else, yet I find it SO hard to work on MY stuff?

It’s like my brain goes, “hey, for the show to work, you are NEEDED to get working on the paperwork, and you MUST design the booklet this instant, because you have a clearly definable PURPOSE”. And “oh you can leave all that branding stuff, after all, it’s ONLY FOR YOU”. 

ARGHHHHHH.

So I’m asking you, genuinely, how do I start to see that Ditsy Bird Designs is a real and valid reason to be working hard (whilst not earning anything for it at the moment…obviously no one will pay me to do my own branding), putting in the time and effort, and focus? That’s a biggie right there.

How do I stop seeing “just for me” as less important, lacking purpose?

How do I change my attitude, my way of thinking?

I’ve tried thinking in terms of the potential extra cash I’d earn; the feeling of empowerment I’d have; the sense of purpose and the happiness that would bring; the rush I get when people buy my products; the joy of working on something I love and the flexibility of doing it at home…but thus far, they haven’t provided the catalyst I need.

that's me, waiting - but not just for my son

I know it’s not because I’m lazy (I had thought this for a long while) simply due of the amount of time I’ve spent this week alone, messing about with entry tickets, and ‘save the date’ posters on my macbook – time that would have been amazingly useful spent on researching colour themes and fonts for my own website.

When I think about the show paperwork, I know the end date; can see the actual room on the day; the users of the information I’ve created; the end result of all the hard work; the purpose.

When I think about spending hours working on who my dream client might be; sharing value; building a community; reflecting my style in a blog banner, it all goes very fuzzy and blurry…all soft focus (with bokeh..true fact), hard to visualise, and intangible.

Yesterday, I suddenly thought of it all from a different angle which turned it all on its head…

…instead of my usual “what if I did?”, I thought “what if I didn’t?”!

To be continued…(with luck, a following wind, and renewed focus and purpose).

Notes:

In my search for online assistance with all this (or for a virtual rocket up the bum, if you like), I did happen upon two very interesting articles:

This one by Genevieve Smith on Elle, and

This one by Steve Farquharson on 2HelpfulGuys.

[The comments on the Elle post contained some real gems]

Sarah

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